Hi reader, I have something intimate to share to you today. At least, I’ll share to the best extent that I can.
The past weeks…no, actually, months, were not my best and definitely not the easiest for me. I had countless moments of breakdowns that I had to deal with because of the pandemic.
First off, I felt the most restless. I had to move twice during the quarantine — from Makati to Marikina, then Marikina to Bulacan…in the span of one week. The first was harder physically, I have to move and transport things by myself. The second was harder emotionally since I have to leave my hometown of 28 years so suddenly, permanently. I felt like I was moving here and there endlessly.
Second, I felt suffocated. From living alone for 5 years, I was suddenly stuck with family for months, everyday…with extended family at that. Suddenly I have to shift from my fixed individual schedule to a very erratic schedule with kids; and juggle filial duties with work. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending more time with family. However, sudden changes to routine, especially my “me-time”, are what challenged me.
Third, I felt totally unable to write. I thought a place in the middle of the fields and a lot of nature would motivate me more to write, but I was wrong. I learned that no place is better when it is chaos in your actual mind. So here I am, marking my rebound and commitment to write in spite.
This is me allowing myself to be more vulnerable as you would see more and more in my future writings. If you are still reading and have waited for this new entry, thank you. The things I just shared were pieces of my heart I gathered months to share openly. However, if you are waiting for the resolution of those things I shared, I tell you with all honesty and courage that I am still getting there. But this time, I promise that I won’t be impatient to see the end to be able to write. And I am now writing in the middle of all of these to tell you that it is okay to go through things and still be in the middle. “Uncertain” activates your faith as you continue to believe in things not seen; for who hopes in what he sees?
From all those I shared I was reminded of something that I also want to share with you, reader. In those three blows I said “I felt”. And what I feel does not equate to what is; and the fact that I was able to write proves that feeling of being totally unable to write, wrong. I just realized that as I typed this. So this entry is also a note to self that although things are more difficult than usual, I am not left powerless. I was just reminded that I am limited; and in my weakness, I need someone more powerful to catch me at the end of my strength. I need Jesus, now more than ever, but just as much as my best days.
I hope it goes the same for you. There is completely nothing wrong to admit that you are weak. There is no need to project yourself as the “strong one”. Believe me, that will just leave you tired and emptied to rock bottom. However, I have not shared these weakest moments of mine for nothing. I wrote to tell you that everyone is always struggling with something and it is possible to choose to “suffer well”. To “suffer well” is to wait well — to wait courageously and confidently — for the God who sees and only has good, pleasing and perfect in His mind. It is to wait on God to show you that He is working things for good.
Thank you for reading a piece of my mind. So tell me about you. Are you someone who wants to “suffer well” this season? Hey, me too. I also have a comment section that works well below. And oh, I would also love to pray for you.