This is where I bid goodbye

I find my mind often drawing a blank lately; and I decided to use this space to document this and look back that I had moments like this. I refer to these moments when I want to tell a lot of things but my mind is just too tired to put those stories into just one coherent post. There are times I just want to write random stuff and want to know if some random reader would find my banter worth reading. So here goes my “just because” entry today.

I went outside yesterday. I thank God for the need to see my dentist that I got to force myself to go out and see the world outside my room. I thank God that I got to escape that usual space and all the thoughts in my head entrapped with it. I got the chance to let my mind wander.

I remember looking out of the car window on my way to my dentist. A year past the outbreak of the pandemic last March 2020, it pained me to see the once busy streets of Makati turn to a quiet, deserted place. I had my share of my wins and losses in that place. I have learned to love that city; yet as I stay seated and allowed myself to be absorbed in all those memories, I realized that I really had to say goodbye to the life I once had. I have to move forward and forget the old looks, the old ways, the old scenarios and some of the people along with them. I realized I had to say goodbye.

Makati was the city where I walked a lot. I kid you not, when you work in that city, you have to prepare yourself for a lot of walking. My walks in that place tired me out, but it made me strong; but walking the streets yesterday, I realized that I have walked those streets enough. I cannot force to relive the memories and hope to stay there when God placed me in another place now. Makati has been home to me for 7 years, and I guess that was about that. I had my closure my yesterday. It was my home then, but just a place I’ll visit every now and then, moving forward.

I guess the same applies to people. There were people who played a big part of my life until 2020, but suddenly was out of the picture this 2021. They were my home before, but I guess they also turned to people I will just get to visit and see from time to time because just as I am moving, they are, too.

I have moved a lot when I was in Makati; even more than I expected. Along the way, I moved in and with different people too, and those people have moved from season to season in their lives as well. So I guess my letter today is about my closure with places, people, and memories that I have to let go as I gradually accept the changes that happened, and has to happen with the pandemic. Maybe the reason I came back here in the metro is to bid goodbye and prepare me to the next place that God called me to.

So from here, where do I go, Lord? Who do I meet? Where do you send me to?
From then to now, where You tell me to go, I’ll go.

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3 Comments

  1. Totally relatable.
    I’ve often pondered a lot about this city during countless nights of walking. Oftentimes I’ve found myself walking those same streets in different seasons of my life; with an entirely different version of me.

    But these days it’s different.
    This time it was the city that has drastically changed and it seems I’m the one trying catching up.

    Places and faces indeed. #Seasons

  2. While reading, I remembered a (Tagalog) poem I tried to hold onto during my university years. “Ang lugar ay pawang mga lugar lamang, at hindi tahanan ng mga ala-ala mo.” And I felt that I had to force this on myself; because I was (still am) a person whose memory is so painfully accurate that I tie them down to places so that I at least feel like I can set them aside if I leave. But they said not to do that. That places are just places and they’re not the ones that hurt you. I tried my best not to ache while passing through corners that had sharp edges.

    Eventually I stopped forcing myself to have this way of thinking. Because places may just be places, but to me they’re so much more. They became photographs in my head; accurately giving a visual of the feeling, the vibe, the person I was and was with, and the place.

    I think it’s the same for the people we meet. They aren’t just people, and memories aren’t the only thing they hold. Each person we meet knows and has a different version of ourselves, and each is always slightly a bit different than the last. The closer they were, the more they get to hold pieces of you in that specific moment in time.

    Maybe it wasn’t just Makati or the people you used to hang out with that you said goodbye to. Maybe you were also saying goodbye to past versions and old pieces of yourself. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing — we all shed our autumn-painted leaves to make way for the new spring.

    I’m proud of the person you have bloomed into.

    1. I feel you Y! I resonate so much with memories that sting and are painfully accurate. Hugs! 🤗💞

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